A Persian Missive

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has sent a letter to President Bush. While the press has tripped all over itself praising this apparent thaw in the crisis, that is only because they haven't read all eighteen pages. That, and they can't read Persian.

Fortunately, a translation (available in its entirety here) has become available:

Dear Infidel Crusader Zionist sock-puppet Saudi-lackey depoiler of Mesopotamia woman-touching pigdog fiendish
(293 words excised)
Shah-licking son of a toad’s offal: I trust this finds you well. I have much on my mind, and have taken the pen to unburden my breast. I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope should you wish to reply.

Hmmm.

. . . and if you had the problem I have with razors you would know why my beard seems so tentative at times; if I may speak with you man to anointed hastener of the Apocalypse, how do you get such a smooth shave? A hot towel? Perhaps the Five-Blade Razor of which we have heard muttered rumors? Personally, I use an exfoliating agent which

(8343 words excised)

. . . and Jack Bauer will not be able to save you this time, my friend. If there is an attack on our country we will double our aid to the Iraqi patriots, double our funding to Hezbollah and its female auxiliary wing Sisboombah, and double again our attempts to secrete through your borders weapons both chemical and biological.

I'm thinking dialogue isn't going to work, here.

(The actual translation is available here.)

[Crossposted to The Wasatch Front.]